I really meant to....

I meant to write this sooner. I had every intention of doing so, but just could not bring myself to do it.

My cousin Lisa is a couple years older than me. She was born with Down Syndrome. When she was 3 years old she had to have open heart surgery.

My mother tells the story of how when Lisa came home, my mom opened her shirt and showed me Lisa's surgery scar. She told me that no matter what, to NEVER hit her or hurt her in anyway. I never did. My mom said she regretted not telling me to take up for myself. Lisa would beat the shit out of me and I never took up for myself.

Everyone tells me how I taught her to walk again and to tie her shoes.

For a toddler, I took my responsibilities serious, I guess.

I spent a lot of time with my aunt and uncle. I even lived with them a couple times. My aunt use to dress us like twins.

Yes, exactly alike...... In the 70's no less. The pictures are horrendous.

Lisa would say I was her sister. She went to a special school. Back then, they were separate. She told the principal and her teachers about her sister 'Angela'.

They called her parents to find out about the sister they had no records of. I even went in as her 'show & tell' one day. I spent the whole day at school with her.

We went through some rough things together.

People for some reason like to take advantage of someone like her. Stupid perverted fuckers.

When I was dating my ex husband, she had a huge crush on him. She would say she was gonna marry him. She told on him, when she saw him at the mall. I knew he was skipping school that way. lol He could not hide from her, she'd yell and wave at him. heehee

She would be flirting with him and thought it was hilarious when I would threaten to beat her ass if she did not stay away from my man. She would take her hand and cover her mouth and just laugh. Her eyes would be twinkling.

Now, I know that may sound cruel. Here I was threatening to beat a poor handicapped teenager. ( she was about 17 or 18)

Well, you see, it's like this..... A woman is a woman. No matter what. When I would threaten to stomp her ass in the streets, what she was hearing was that I was threatened enough by her to feel the need to protect what was mine. That I felt she was a threat. Do you see what I am saying?

So, she would keep hugging him and flirting with him and I would keep threatening to beat her ass and she would giggle, and cover her mouth with her little chubby hand and her blue eyes would twinkle brilliantly.

I know, what a fucked-up family, huh?

I guess it didn't hurt to know that I would never hurt her. lol

We did go our separate ways once I got older.

I would also like to let you know that out of all the cousins, she was the first to graduate high school. The rest of us quit or received our GED's.

She is also a major drama queen. LOL

The first night she met Kenny, we were in the ER with my mom. She told him he was cute and asked me right in front of him if I were going to marry him.

Now that I am married with 4 children and live in another town, I never see them. I feel like I neglected her.

I was told last month she needed another open heart surgery. That she was swollen up horribly. So bad, in fact that she looked like she had huge dimples on the side of her head.

I received a call today that she had surgery Wednesday. WHAT???? This was the first I had heard of it.

They said her heart was too enlarged to close her chest back up.

She is laying there with her ribs still cracked open and...... Just WIDE open.

Her stats went down for a bit last night.

My mom said the Doctor said they may be able to close her up today.

The doctor also said that she was worse off than they thought, that if she had not of had the surgery she would not have last another month or two at the most.

Now, I am thinking of her just being OPEN. Infections. Germs.

They have been letting people in to see her.

Open.

What the fuck????

GERMS.INFECTIONS. you fucking idiots!!!!!!

I don't know what going on right now. I am scared to find out.

I hope she will survive and be ok.

I feel horrible for not being there. For not being there since I supposedly 'grew up'.

I should have wrote this sooner. I should have called her and talked to her.

I guess it's too late for should haves.

I hope it's not too late to make it up to her.