My Father

My father had a major stroke on May 25th.

They said it was on the left side of his brain. He was paralyzed on the right side. He was comatose. They said he would never walk or talk again. That he would never know who we were. They he would have a tracheotomy in, be on a ventilator, have a feeding tube and a colostomy. He would basically be a vegetable.

He had COPD and Emphysema, which complicated things. They said his lungs were too sick.

My half-sister and half-brother, being the ones who seem to know what is best for everyone decided to 'pull the plug'.

My father passed away on June 2nd.

I have been having a very hard time dealing with all of this.

I am not sleeping right, laying awake all night. I can not concentrate. I have no motivation. I have not been doing shit. All I want to do is lie in my bed all day. If it were not for the kids forcing me up every day, that's where I would be right now.

I feel guilty. I feel like they killed him and I was an accessory. I blame them for him not being here. They are all greedy bastards. They just want what they can get their hands on, which is not much.

I feel so guilty. I almost called him that Thursday night. It was 10:30 pm. My husband said it was too late, so I said I would just call him the next day.

I never got to make that call. If I had called him that night, would it have made a difference? Would I have known he had already had the stroke? They said it was 3 days old. Would I have heard it in his voice? Could I have made him go to the hospital? Would he still be here?

WHY THE HELL DIDN'T I CALL???

It was not too late. I always called him after 10pm. WHY???? If I had called, he may still be here.

I miss my dad terribly.

I still can not believe he is gone.

IT IS NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!