Destination: Hell

This past week has been pure hell.

Not my usual hell, but a whole new area of hell.

I had an gyn appointment on Wednesday. I have been having some "female issues".

Things went pretty much like I expected when it comes to that area. Did some testing for PCOS and ended up doing an biopsy.

That was so painful, I lost it. Was just sitting there sobbing.

They also did a breast exam... and found a lump.

I was so scared and freaked out.

I had a really bad night. I was worried and scared. I actually had a feeling that I would be dead soon.

Thursday I had to go get an ultrasound of my uterus. The external one is nothing.

Now the internal... hell, they didn't even buy me dinner or a drink first. Cheap bastards.

That was painful, especially after the biopsy the day before.

Little Miss Thang was with me and she made her disapproval for all to hear.

Then Friday I was sent for an ultrasound of my breast. When the lady took me back, she told me they decided to do a mammogram instead.

So, while she smushed and crushed my boob she chatted and talked. Flopped my big ol' ta-ta's on the shelf and never shut up for one minute. Now, maybe this is how they keep your mind off of it. I don't know. I just found it a little disconcerting that she was feeling me up and it didn't phase her at all.

I went to this appointment by myself and never felt so alone in my life. I don't know why I don't have someone. I don't understand it.

Yes, I do have Bubba. He is there for me. But not like I need him to be. I can talk to him about what worries me, but he never wants to hear anything bad. I have no one to talk to about my fears. I can tell him I'm worried, and all I get in return is that it will be alright. Who is there to listen and just tell me they understand and to let me cry?

Don't get me wrong, he is always here for me. Always looking on the bright side. But sometimes I need to get it all out. All my fears and worries. I feel as if I have to keep all of that inside of me. There is no one to listen to me. To hear me.

Now, back to hell...

I was so relieved when Miss. Chatterbox returned about 40 -45 minutes later (did they take lunch?) and told me I did not have cancer. I breathed an audible sigh of relief.

I was more worried about breast cancer than cancer of my nether-regions.

I'm not sure why.

I think, maybe I was expecting and KNEW something has to be wrong there.

I was not expecting the lump situation. I am so scared of breast cancer, always afraid I would have it, but at the same time I was not expecting it NOW.


My blood-work came back fine. Sugar levels have been normal for the past 3 months. My GYN was pretty sure it was PCOS, and now it seems it's not.

I am now waiting to hear about the pathology from my biopsy and the results of my pap smear.

I guess I will be in this other area of hell until I hear that one is okay.

I feel like I dodged one bullet, there's no way I can dodge another one so soon. Can I?