Daddy

On December 10th my Daddy would have turned 61.
I'm guessing for those of you that don't know already, you caught onto the 'would have' part of that sentence.

My father had a major stroke on May 25, 2007. He was taken off of the machines on June 2nd.

This is something I have been unable to blog about. I want to, but just have not been able to.

I did not grow up having him there for me in my life. I always loved him. No matter what was said to me, I always knew and felt as if he were my father. Even when I went years without seeing him. In my heart, he was my one and only daddy. No one could or would ever take his place.

A few months after my last child was born I was contacted by my half-sister and was told he would like to talk with me. I was so happy and extremely nervous.

I had always wanted him in my life, but there was part of me that wondered if he loved me or not.

I am so glad we finally started talking. I found out he did indeed love me. Thats all I ever wanted.

We started talking all the time.

When my youngest was in the hospital for surgery on her hips, he was there for me.

We only had a short time, about 2 years to be exact.

I am so thankful and grateful to of had that time with him.

When he passed away, I kinda lost it for a while.

Thinking back now, I can't remember the whole summer. I can remember some things, but some is just blank.

I remember begging him not to go. I remember holding his hand and wishing him to stay with me. I remember being mad and saying it wasn't fair. We had missed so much time together. It was too soon. He couldn't leave me yet. I needed him.

I wondered if it were possible to give him one of my lungs.

I wanted to bring him home with me. I would have taken care of him, loved him, and been there for him. I would have made up for all the missed time.

I had already worked with feeding tubes and ventilators. I had worked with someone paralyzed. I had changed diapers on adults and worked with the mentally retarded. I had worked with those that had mental and physical problems. I had worked with those that were deaf and mute. I had given sponge baths and cleaned up the poop. I had worked with them and loved them and felt like they were part of my family.

The only thing I would have needed to learn was about the colostomy bag. but learn about it, I would.

I could have taken care of him. I would have been there with him and for him. No matter how long it took for him to come back to me.

We had unfinished business, him and I. We deserved to have time.

Unfortunately, I was not able to do that.

My heart broke.

And it hasn't healed.

I don't think it ever will.

I lost my mind this past summer. I couldn't stop it.

I remember calling my husband and telling him I was having a nervous breakdown.

I did take nerve pills and pain pills and started drinking more than usual, to try and survive.

If it were not for my children, I would have given into it. It was so hard to fight.

I guess I am a weak person, because I wanted to give in to the pain.

Thank goodness for my children and a really good friend who helped me through some of the worst. She stayed right there with me some days and didn't give up on me. If it were not for them and Bubba, I don't know where I would be right now.

I didn't mean to write all of this. I didn't think I was ready. I know I wasn't ready. I can't handle the pain and the tears that are now falling.

Daddy, I know you are near me. I've been told you were. Maybe you are not ready to leave me yet and know I still need you.

I hope you are not suffering and in pain anymore. I hope you are able to breathe and walk and run. I hope you are working on your muscle cars and racing down the road with your gray hair blowing in the wind. I hope you know that I always loved you and you were always in my heart and my thoughts. I never gave up on you.

I love you Daddy.