Storm-clouds and Rainbows...

A couple of weeks ago, we went for a little ride.

We did not go as far as we wanted, as we ran into a storm.

Then this past week we were coming home and got caught in another storm.

At the end of this one, we were given a beautiful reward.

Where's me pot o' gold?

Look closely, can you see the double rainbow? I have always been told that was a sign of good luck.

Just Surreal....

This has been a very scary time.

Turns out my husband had an Hypertensive Episode, Pulmonary Edema and Congestive Heart Failure.

His blood pressure has been high for a while. That in turn too much strain on his heart and made it very weak. His heart, when he went in was pumping at 50% on the right side and 10% on the left.

He had a cardiac catherization done. He did not need a stint or an angioplasty or a defibrillator like they suspected.

His heart muscle is just weak.

He was put on medication, low sodium diet and has to reduce his fluid intake considerably.

He has lost over 15lbs since coming home.

The doctors told him if he had waited, he would not have been coming in.

I can not believe how close that was.

My husband almost died.

I do not know what I would have done if anything had happened to him.

I can not wrap my mind around the fact that he may not have been here today.

My Husband

My husband is a major pain in the ass. He can say hateful things, be stubborn as hell, uncompromising, is NEVER wrong about anything and way too strict. Hell, I am planning our divorce bi-weekly.

My husband is the man I love with all my heart. I do not know what I would ever do without him.

My husband is my best friend. The one I tell (most) everything to. The one I turn to.

My husband is funny and makes me laugh. He is goofy as hell.

My husband, he has a nice ass.

My husband loves our kids. All of them. It does not matter to him if they are biologically his or not. He loves them all as if they are his. He would do anything for all of them.

My husband has always been here, I can not remember not being with him. I sometimes wonder where those other two kids came from, because there has never been anyone but him. He must be their dad, as well.

My husband is in the emergency room with chest pains. He can't breathe. He has been throwing up. Says his face feels like it is swelling up. His ribs hurt. He has not been able to sleep.

My husband woke up tonight not breathing.

I am home with the kids.

Scared to death.

Worried sick and thinking about...

My Husband.

So Damned Hard

Sometimes it all just seems too hard.

Too hard to get up in the mornings.

Too hard to go to sleep.

Too hard to deal with everything.

Too hard to feel,

to cry,

to laugh.

Too hard to stay sane.

Too hard to have hope,

to have dreams.

Too hard to be a mom...

a wife.

Too hard to be me.

Too hard to live,

to love,

to hate.

Too hard to feel pain.

To hard to feel happiness.

Too hard to not feel anything.

Too hard to just BE...

Why does it all have to be so damned hard all of the time?

My Father

My father had a major stroke on May 25th.

They said it was on the left side of his brain. He was paralyzed on the right side. He was comatose. They said he would never walk or talk again. That he would never know who we were. They he would have a tracheotomy in, be on a ventilator, have a feeding tube and a colostomy. He would basically be a vegetable.

He had COPD and Emphysema, which complicated things. They said his lungs were too sick.

My half-sister and half-brother, being the ones who seem to know what is best for everyone decided to 'pull the plug'.

My father passed away on June 2nd.

I have been having a very hard time dealing with all of this.

I am not sleeping right, laying awake all night. I can not concentrate. I have no motivation. I have not been doing shit. All I want to do is lie in my bed all day. If it were not for the kids forcing me up every day, that's where I would be right now.

I feel guilty. I feel like they killed him and I was an accessory. I blame them for him not being here. They are all greedy bastards. They just want what they can get their hands on, which is not much.

I feel so guilty. I almost called him that Thursday night. It was 10:30 pm. My husband said it was too late, so I said I would just call him the next day.

I never got to make that call. If I had called him that night, would it have made a difference? Would I have known he had already had the stroke? They said it was 3 days old. Would I have heard it in his voice? Could I have made him go to the hospital? Would he still be here?

WHY THE HELL DIDN'T I CALL???

It was not too late. I always called him after 10pm. WHY???? If I had called, he may still be here.

I miss my dad terribly.

I still can not believe he is gone.

IT IS NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!