Destination: Hell

This past week has been pure hell.

Not my usual hell, but a whole new area of hell.

I had an gyn appointment on Wednesday. I have been having some "female issues".

Things went pretty much like I expected when it comes to that area. Did some testing for PCOS and ended up doing an biopsy.

That was so painful, I lost it. Was just sitting there sobbing.

They also did a breast exam... and found a lump.

I was so scared and freaked out.

I had a really bad night. I was worried and scared. I actually had a feeling that I would be dead soon.

Thursday I had to go get an ultrasound of my uterus. The external one is nothing.

Now the internal... hell, they didn't even buy me dinner or a drink first. Cheap bastards.

That was painful, especially after the biopsy the day before.

Little Miss Thang was with me and she made her disapproval for all to hear.

Then Friday I was sent for an ultrasound of my breast. When the lady took me back, she told me they decided to do a mammogram instead.

So, while she smushed and crushed my boob she chatted and talked. Flopped my big ol' ta-ta's on the shelf and never shut up for one minute. Now, maybe this is how they keep your mind off of it. I don't know. I just found it a little disconcerting that she was feeling me up and it didn't phase her at all.

I went to this appointment by myself and never felt so alone in my life. I don't know why I don't have someone. I don't understand it.

Yes, I do have Bubba. He is there for me. But not like I need him to be. I can talk to him about what worries me, but he never wants to hear anything bad. I have no one to talk to about my fears. I can tell him I'm worried, and all I get in return is that it will be alright. Who is there to listen and just tell me they understand and to let me cry?

Don't get me wrong, he is always here for me. Always looking on the bright side. But sometimes I need to get it all out. All my fears and worries. I feel as if I have to keep all of that inside of me. There is no one to listen to me. To hear me.

Now, back to hell...

I was so relieved when Miss. Chatterbox returned about 40 -45 minutes later (did they take lunch?) and told me I did not have cancer. I breathed an audible sigh of relief.

I was more worried about breast cancer than cancer of my nether-regions.

I'm not sure why.

I think, maybe I was expecting and KNEW something has to be wrong there.

I was not expecting the lump situation. I am so scared of breast cancer, always afraid I would have it, but at the same time I was not expecting it NOW.


My blood-work came back fine. Sugar levels have been normal for the past 3 months. My GYN was pretty sure it was PCOS, and now it seems it's not.

I am now waiting to hear about the pathology from my biopsy and the results of my pap smear.

I guess I will be in this other area of hell until I hear that one is okay.

I feel like I dodged one bullet, there's no way I can dodge another one so soon. Can I?

my heart in the palm of your hand

For some reason, I get the impression that there will be no invitations from any major museums in my future.

This is my first one that was not a paint by number.

Go ahead. Snicker all you want.

I painted this with my husband in mind.

He was my muse and my inspiration.

He always will be.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

You know, that's a very good question.

When I was a kid, I had a myriad of dreams.

-Fashion Designer, but I can't draw or sketch.
-Cop
-Singer, even though I can't sing worth shit.
-Actress, even though I 'm scared to speak in front of a large audience.
-Journalist. Well, I love writing, but I do not travel. Scared of planes.

Then of course, that all got derailed.

I never really gave it much thought after I started popping out the kids like a Pez dispenser.

Now I am getting ready to turn 34 and not sure who I am or where I'm going.

I am a mother.

I am a wife.

But who exactly am I?

I don't really know anymore.

I recently enrolled in an online college to learn medical transcription. It is something I have been interested in. Now I learn that my college may suck. Big Time. Now I am stuck.

What do I enjoy doing?

If only I could get paid to watch TV or to read.

I know I enjoy writing. My grammar, spelling and punctuation is not the best. Thank goodness for spell-check. I know I could not make a lot of money at something like this.

So, I guess when I grow up I would like to be ME. If only I could figure out who I am.

Our Anniversary

My husband and I will be celebrating our anniversary on September 11th. We've been married for 8 years!

On July 21st, we had our 'other' anniversary. You know, the one where we first got together. We've started dating and living together 13 years ago. We always celebrate it.

With everything that has been happening this summer, I totally forgot about it. As did he. Now, he has never been real good with dates. I know this. If I mention something a few times, he can sometimes remember. But, I never mentioned it this year. Not once. That is so unlike me. Usually I start about a month before hand.

"Honey, guess what next month is?"

"Guess what's coming up in a few weeks?"

"Can you believe we will have been together for __ many years in a couple of weeks?"

"What do you want for our anniversary?"

There was none of that this year.

I am very disappointed in myself. I didn't remember until a day later. I think I lost my mind this summer. No joking, so exaggerating.

Our wedding anniversary, that's one that would be hard to slip by without remembering.

Bubba actually has that day off this year. He was able to schedule it himself.

He asked me what I wanted. I have no clue. I bought him a power washer. Very romantic, huh? That's what he wanted. sigh.....

I am glad that he is still here and doing better. It seems so unreal that he may have not been here if he had not gone to the ER in July.

What are we going to do, you ask? I have no clue. Probably nothing. LOL

But he is off of work and we will be together. What more could I ask for?